DOA: Dead Or Alive

There are more women on this cover than most gamers will ever accidentally grope on a subway over the course of a lifetime.

Um...have any of you noticed that you're being engulfed in flames?

Donkey: There are some choices in life that are obvious. Coke is better than Pepsi, boxers are better than tighty whities, and anything is better than spending even ten minutes listening to Glenn Beck. So even though there were endless bounties of garbage before us, there was one obvious last stop we had to make before we left the green pastures of videogame inspired cinema to explore the distant plains of unadulterated bullshit. For those of you not familiar with it, the movie DOA: Dead Or Alive is an adaptation of a fighting game that is based solely around the premise of pitting a bunch of woman with massive breasts against one another and enjoying the rather creepy level of attention put into the physics engine that makes those boobies bounce. This is the videogame equivalent of the casting couch, only the stains on the cushions are from Mountain Dew and scorching inexperience rather than a palpable lack of self esteem. The only way the game could possibly be more immature is if every stage consisted of a series of trampolines. It’s perfect for anyone that likes to giggle and get a small erection, but hates having to actually play decent games. Really, how can you fuck that up? Pretty easily, it turns out.

The Plot:

Donkey: What passes for a plot in DOA: Dead Or Alive is centered around three women (natch) participating in the ultimate fighting contest for the prize of ten million dollars. Now, I know what you’re saying: wait, really? Just money? After witnessing valiant struggles against an invading army from another dimension and a power mad dictator bent on world domination, we’re supposed to take it seriously when it’s only about the cheddar? First thing’s first…punch yourself square in the face. Now don’t ever interrupt me again. Second, if you’re suggesting that a substantially less spectacular premise for the tournament is going to be linked to a substantially worse movie, you’re absolutely right. Now punch yourself in the face again for being so goddamn smart, Brainiac. Shitty Movie Night is no place for thinkers.

Our three heroines are from dramatically different, yet similarly retarded backgrounds. There’s Kasumi, the renegade shinobi ninja princess who abandons her clan to discover either the fate of her missing brother, Hayate, or the Colonel’s secret blend of twenty one herbs and spices (whichever comes first). There’s Tina, the American wrestler who’s out to prove that she’s more than just daddy’s little steroid farm in hot pants. And then there’s Christie, the thief who’s looking for the big score, one can only assume so that she can buy some goddamn clothing since she spends most of this movie in either her underwear or a bikini. The rest of the cast is rounded out by characters that range from modestly underdeveloped to blink-and-you’ll-miss-them wallflowers.

Once everyone is invited to the tournament in one of the most spectacular methods ever seen on celluloid, they are flown to a remote tropical island where they lounge at a five star resort that includes all the amenities; suites with Jacuzzi tubs, volleyball courts, and the chance to kick the ever living shit out of the other guests for cash prizes. But once there, our heroines come to realize that the host of the tournament, Dr Donovan, may be after more than the mere chance to hand someone a small fortune in his hard earned cash. Apparently they weren’t immediately tipped off by the complete physicals, computer scans, and nanobot injections that they were subjected to upon their arrival. Incidentally, Dr Donovan is played by Eric Roberts, which leads one to conclude that Dr Donovan must have gone into postgraduate studies and earned a doctorate in the discipline of rad.

After Hayabusa, Kasumi’s protector and fellow contestant, is captured while trying to investigate Dr Donovan’s secret laboratory, our three ladies set off in search of answers and end up trapped in the same nefarious web. But luckily for them, Helena, the daughter of Donovan’s former partner whom he had killed, conveniently learns the truth of her father’s fate at that exact moment and comes to the rescue. However, this is not before Donovan is able to carry out his diabolical plan and create the ultimate weapon.

Donovan then uses the greatest weapon ever created to battle Kasumi’s missing older brother, Hayate, whom Donovan has been kicking around for a full year just for this occasion, as an online demonstration that serves as a sales promotion for the technology. But just as he’s collecting funds from a group of men who are willing to spend a fortune just to get back at everyone that ever made fun of their Visionaries t-shirt, Helena and the über-nerd trying desperately to lose his virginity with her manage to stop the transfer and alert the CIA.

Rather than taking a moment to see whether or not there is any real threat of government intervention, Donovan immediately decides to gather up his money, collect the necessary data to recreate the most spectacular weapon ever devised, and set a self-destruct sequence for the entire island. But unbeknownst to him, our heroes have all been freed and are more than a little bit cranky. Working together, they are able to defeat Donovan and dive safely into the ocean before everything goes up into a blazing inferno.

Seems straight forward enough, right? How bad can it be? Let’s just find out, shall we…

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Donkey: Like a lot of shitty movies, this one starts out on the complete wrong foot with the title screen alone. I love how the title isn’t DOA or Dead Or Alive…it’s both.

Milobar: It’s literally the same thing twice. I’m glad they put what the letters mean underneath the letters, so that I know that DOA means Dead Or Alive.

Donkey: Hell yeah. Otherwise you might think it stands for Divergent Oscillating Affluence, so it’s a perfectly reasonable precaution.

Milobar: After the exciting intro graphics we are very quickly introduced to the main character Wawajumi (or whatever) and discover that her destiny is to lead her clan of ninjas, and as a result she’s never allowed to leave her temple. Wait, what?

Donkey: Apparently they’re looking for a leader to guide them through their afternoon calisthenics, but little else. Kasumi is trying to set out to find her missing brother. But Hayabusa, her brother’s best friend, is warning her against wandering off, lest she be immediately deemed an outcast.

Milobar: If she leaves she will become a Shinobi. Sweet…Shinobi. I love that videogame. Throwing the ninja stars at the ninjas as they were jumping on the catwalks and trying to get to you for some unknown reason.

Donkey: That game proved two universal truths about ninjas; they can only exist on two levels, where one is slightly higher than the other, and that their greatest attack is to simply trample you to death. Master assassins, indeed. Kasumi rejects Hayabusa’s initial pleas and proceeds out into the castle’s courtyard, where she’s greeted by her entire clan.

Milobar: Uh oh…they’ve got flags and they aren’t afraid to use them. Wait, maybe they are. I find this part of the movie very confusing as Kasumi’s walking through the crowd when she’s inexplicably attacked by Ayane, her protector who is apparently the only white person here. Well, I guess maybe she looks kind of Asian. Maybe a half-breed?

Purple is so hot with ninja clans this season.

Purple is so hot with ninja clans this season.

Donkey: How many traditional Japanese temples have chicks with purple goddamn hair?

Milobar: All of them, I hope.

Donkey: We’re following very strict traditions here, you cursed heathens. Now pardon me while I go Kool-Aid up my goddamn hair.

Milobar: Hang on, Hayabusa who was talking to her all normal in the temple a minute ago, now has to kneel down and beg forgiveness whenever he speaks to Wawajumi?

Donkey: Why did the rest of them kneel down? Hayabusa makes one last appeal for her to stay, but Kasumi will have none of it and uses the distraction to run along everyone’s back to escape.

Milobar: Ok, now the kneeling makes sense. It’s not a shitty kung fu action movie without some wire running on dudes’ shoulders.

Donkey: She then uses her sword to vault over the castle wall and off a massive cliff. Apparently it just wouldn’t have been impressive enough if it was just a ten foot drop and she hit the ground running.

Milobar: I love how she had on some type of sports training suit and a portable hang glider backpack under her ceremonial robe.

Donkey: And goddamn Nikes, apparently. I don’t know where a ninja that’s not allowed to leave her clan gets any of that stuff. As she’s gliding along, she gets the first invitation. At this point we discover that the invitations to the DOA tournament are sent out via shuriken.

Milobar: With a fucking LCD display screen in the middle of it that says “You’re Invited’.

The RSVP card for these things is actually a mailbomb.

The RSVP card for these things is actually a handgun.

Donkey: Clearly you want your invitations to be as lethal as possible. I’m surprised they’re not on nuclear warheads. I love how she’s flying on a goddamn hang glider, the shuriken comes ripping straight at her face, and she catches it at the last minute.

Milobar: Who threw that?

Donkey: Where the fuck did they throw that from?

Milobar: An airplane?

Donkey: And what would have happened if she was looking slightly the other way?

Milobar: What would have happened if she had been paying attention to flying her hang glider? Our heroine acknowledges the invitation and we quickly cut to a scene on a yacht somewhere in the ocean. This scene features Tina, the wrestler who also happens to be a martial artist. Uh-oh, it looks like she is about to be attacked by a bunch of greasy Koreans.

A once mighty mullet reduced to greasy bit parts. That's a shame.

A once mighty mullet reduced to greasy bit parts. That's a shame.

Donkey: Led by Robin Shou, whom we all know and love as Liu Kang. That’s awesome.

Milobar: What a fall from grace. He once was the star.

Donkey: And now he’s relegated to greasy pirate. Apparently nobody truly appreciated the genius of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, apart from us.

Milobar: A greasy pirate with a gun. They all have guns. Well at least they all HAD guns in the previous shot but they somehow conveniently didn’t bring them onto the boat.

Donkey: Liu Kang tells his band they have to leave them behind because he doesn’t want so much as a single hole put in the magnificent vessel that he’s about to steal. But wouldn’t you just bring them for the intimidation factor, if nothing else? Leave the safety on, for god’s sake. It’s not like you have to swiss cheese everything in sight the moment somebody moves. Instead they just come onboard and threaten her, then wait for her to get up and kick their asses. Yeah, that’s a much better plan. Well done, chaps.

This is so telegraphed that she may as well have taken a running start.

This is so telegraphed that she may as well have taken a running start.

Milobar: I love how her kicks basically just slap people across the face and knock them into the water. That’s not really what kicks are supposed to do. They are supposed to fucking hurt you. I do, however, definitely like the sound effects they have going on while she’s kicking people.

Donkey: Every kick sounds quite literally to be a bone-crunching impact.

Milobar: Yeah and as she’s soaring through the air, jumping and kicking people, there are aircraft engine sounds…because she’s like a 747. Uh-oh, here comes the “shurikenvitation”.

Donkey: At least her shuriken hit the boat a good ten feet away from her, so she wasn’t in immediate danger of a horrible death.

Milobar: What I don’t understand is she sees the invitation and already knows what it’s about. She’s not confused, not even for a moment. If this tournament is supposed to be super secret, why does everyone already know about it?

At this point we are introduced to our third (and final, if I had it my way) Extreme Challenge 5000 contestant. Clothed in nothing but a towel, and being held at gunpoint by the police.

Donkey: Christie’s interrupted in a Hong Kong hotel shower by cops that have showed up in her room, as apparently her partner Max ratted her out for a heist that they had pulled together. But before they can arrest her, she asks if she can get dressed.

Milobar: Tricky Dicky. The cop plays it safe by handing over her bra with his gun.

Donkey: Seems cautious enough, and yet somehow he’s still not ready for it when she punches him in the face and takes the gun away from him.

Milobar: So why aren’t the other dudes with guns doing anything?

Donkey: They’re respectfully following the bad action movie rule of “one neutered opponent per protagonist” rule, apparently. Although I really love it once she starts taking the rest of the guys out with her towel. Yeah, being snapped by a wet towel sucks, but it’s not a fucking bullwhip, for god’s sake. It’s a minor inconvenience at best.

Milobar: Once she finishes with them, she runs out of the room in her underwear and joins a man in the hotel elevator. I feel really bad for this dude because she beats the shit out of him and steals his clothes. And he’s, like, seventy five.

Donkey: That’s probably the most excitement that he’s had in the last forty seven years. A second later it cuts to her walking out of the elevator in a trench coat and the old man is found stuffed into his own suitcase.

Milobar: “I’m in the suitcase! Help me!” *sniff* childhood memories…

Donkey: How the hell did she fold up a seventy five year old man and stuff him into a suitcase?

Milobar: Um, I’m going to say with her vagina.

Donkey: It’s not like that’s a fucking trunk that guy was carrying around. It’s just a regular goddamn suitcase. It gets better when we see Christie leaving the hotel and speeding away on a motorcycle when she’s given her invitation.

Milobar: This is probably the best invitation though, because this combines the first two. The shuriken slams into her vehicle, right into the glass windshield about an inch beneath her face.

Come on, land a couple of inches higher....damn...

Come on, land a couple of inches higher....damn...

Donkey: Beyond the ridiculously high risk of killing her, I enjoy the physics involved. The one shot shows her speeding away on the bike and the shuriken flying after her from behind. The very next shot shows it smashing into the windshield in front of her. Was that a fucking boomerang shuriken? How the hell does that work?

Milobar: All I want to know is how a person manages to throw a shuriken fast enough to catch a speeding motorcycle.  However I do like her description of “Assassin and Master Thief”.  That’s not a title you throw around lightly, kind of like “Analrapist”. The next scene where they’re all flying to the island is awesome. Aw yeah, enter my favorite character, Zak, the black dude with the crazy hair.

Donkey: He’s completely bald with the exception of a little horn of hair just above his forehead that, like his facial hair, is dyed green. You know, some things you just don’t bother to translate across from the game. And we also see Bass for the first time, the wrestler who is Tina’s father. We all know that role should have been played by Jesse Ventura.

There isn't one old Asian man that could have played this part? Really?

There wasn't one old Asian man that could have played this part? Really?

Milobar: That would be awesome, even better would be Macho Man Randy Savage. I love the old Asian dude who clearly looks like he’s about twenty two, wearing old Asian dude makeup. Gen Fu. I think he should have won the whole competition just based on that outfit alone.

Donkey: Right as everyone is getting comfortable, the introductory video featuring one of their hosts, Helena, tells them to make sure they reach the gates of the island by sundown or else they’re disqualified. And to make sure that’s not easy, they throw an extra wrinkle in there…

Milobar: Oh hey, we know that you guys are martial artists but put on the fucking parachutes beneath your seats and sky dive out of this plane because that’s the only way you can really prove how tough you are. What? How do these people know how to sky dive?

Donkey: What happens if none of these people have ever had skydiving training? They’re literally gathering the world’s greatest fighters just so that they can unnecessarily and arbitrarily pitch them out of a plane to potentially plummet to their death.

Milobar: Exactly. “Today in the news, Liu Kang and his shitty pirates discovered twelve bodies of the world’s most renowned martial artists washed up on the shore of a small Asian island.”

Donkey: And the DOA tournament was cancelled. Leaving its organizers to spend the money on hookers, blow, and cases of Crystal Pepsi. Wait, maybe that’s actually kind of brilliant…

Milobar: Screw that, they need to spend that money on some Diet Pepsi Jazz. Our three martial arts chicks survive their plummet earthward and stand ready to face their first major challenge on the island: climbing some scaffolding to make it to the gates by sundown. How do we do it? I don’t know…climb up the ropes that are hanging down the middle of the fucking thing?

Donkey: Why are just these three chicks together? Where is everyone else?

Milobar: Apparently they managed to get lost, even though everybody else jumped out of the plane at the exact same time as them.

Donkey: And now the “climbing the tower” scene kicks into high gear. I just love the combination of unrealistic physical action with mild dance music to create a thrilling scene of…climbing. They’re just fucking climbing. That’s it. Now I can’t wait for the laundry scene.

Milobar: With all this climbing it’s like watching Remo Williams all over again.

Donkey: It’s just ridiculous shit for something so unnecessary. For god’s sake, at one point the two of them toss the third one about thirty feet into the air.

Milobar: And Kasumi manages to jump about twenty feet on her own. So why didn’t she jump about twenty feet a couple of times and make it to the top by herself?

Donkey: But once they make it to the top, the drama isn’t quite over. That railing that Kasumi is hanging onto breaks away and the other two both dive after her, catching her as she starts to fall. So as they’re all hanging there in the typical human chain fashion, Christie yells down at Kasumi, asking her what she’s doing down there. What is she doing down there? She’s hanging upside down, being held by the ankles! She’s obviously crocheting an afghan for her nephew. What the fuck do you think she’s doing?

So once they reach the top, Helena enters the scene on rollerblades, wearing elbow pads, to guide them from there. Because when you’re rollerblading around an ancient temple where the baddest motherfuckers are about to compete in a martial arts tournament…

Milobar: You better not have scraped up elbows.

Donkey: Elbow safety on rollerblades has to be priority one, people. She guides all of them into the formal greeting area for the official beginning of the tournament.

Listen up, people: eat all the food you wish, but keep your goddamn hands off the Mane & Tail.

Listen up, people: eat all the food you wish, but keep your goddamn hands off my Mane & Tail.

Milobar: And now the contestants are introduced to their host…ERIC ROBERTS!

Donkey: Sweet. The legitimacy of this movie just jumped up about seventeen notches.

Milobar: So we’re at about minus fifty three now.

Donkey: It’s in this scene that we finally, and very briefly, get to see all the characters. It would probably be a lot more impressive and mean a lot more if I had ever played the game and knew who any of these people were. But that’s the great thing about any movie based on a fighting game if you’ve never played said fighting game: they all just end up looking like a series of goddamn clowns.

Milobar: Correction: Goddamn ASS Clowns.

I've seen this movie more than once and I still don't know who half of you are.

I've seen this movie more than once and I still don't know who half of you are.

Donkey: Once they’re all together, they’re all subjected to a rigorous physical, computer scan, and injection of nanobots into their bloodstreams. The purpose of all of this will become clear later, but I love how nobody seems the least bit bothered by this. And then to top it off, I love the DOA wipe from one scene to another.

Milobar: It’s just like the 1980’s Transformers fucking sweep from the Decepticon face to the Autobot face bullshit scene transition.

Donkey: Next up is a quiet montage of all the fighters training in various places throughout the compound, just to show off that they are, in fact, fighters and not just a massive collection of bad stereotypes.

Milobar: This includes Agumibumi. She’s so powerful, yet so serious. They need to show a dude just jerking off. Everyone else is training and he’s just tweaking himself…a montage of jerking off for hours.

Donkey: That would be exceptional, but we get something almost as good. In amongst the shots of everyone training is footage of Helena just rollerblading around the premises. She’s literally the only one not practicing her fighting techniques. That’s a great training regiment that she’s got there. My money’s on her in this competition.

Milobar: There are all these shots with crowds of people in them. I don’t understand who all these other people are who are just hanging out on the island. They’re not fighters, they’re not contestants…they’re just there.

Donkey: Apparently Eric Roberts thought that flying in spectators would serve a purpose, though I can’t imagine what. Now that the tournament has officially started, the fighters are given bracelets that show them who their next opponent is going to be. Match-ups are supposed to be chosen using advanced computer algorithms, although it’s usually just Eric Roberts throwing people together for shits and giggles. And apparently the fight can start at any time.

Milobar: Gen Fu is your next opponent! Get ready, fight! And of course, these people just happen to be in a room with meat hooks.  Not a refrigerated room where you would store meat.  Just a normal room, with FUCKING meat hooks hanging from the ceiling.  And after winning the fight Christie ends up hanging from one of the hooks by one hand for no reason. EXTREME!

Donkey: Once that battle starts, we see that spectators can watch the fight on TVs that have overlays so that it looks exactly like the videogame. Wow, that’s spectacularly redundant. 

Someone explain to me exactly how you create health bars. Seriously.

This just serves as a reminder that no videogame is more fun to watch than to play.

Milobar: With health bars, which they’re obviously generating based on the nanobots that they’ve injected into all of their contestants, to monitor and record all of their muscle movements.

Donkey: Another fight scene is going on at the same time where I have no idea who the two people fighting are, and it really highlights something that movies based on fighting games all have a tendency to do. Most people who play fighting games pick one favorite character and do their best to master that one person. But rather than concentrating on all characters equally, these movies pick a handful that they decide are the important characters and focus on them. So this basically amounts to punishing you if you picked one of the “other” characters to master, because you only get to see your character on screen for about thirty seconds in montage scenes where they get their ass beaten.

Milobar: And in some cases killed.

Donkey: Or if you’re watching Street Fighter: The Movie, in some cases they’re not even fighters. They’re scientists.

Milobar: Or they’re Nerf ping-pong ball gun smugglers.

Donkey: Random flashback time! So Kasumi thinks back to a time where she has been taken captive. Hayate comes to rescue her by throwing a cup of tiny pins into air, leaping towards them, and picking the pins out of the air one by one to stab into each of the captors. Those pins get some fucking wicked hang time, apparently. Most mortals couldn’t throw feathers into the air and get that done before they touch the ground.

Milobar: What’s great is that in that little flashback she didn’t look like she was much younger than she is now. In fact, the movie quite quickly reveals that it was only last year. One year ago she was captured by four drunken shitty fisherman and now she’s here to compete and kick everyone’s ass.

Donkey: She must have wandered out into the desert and learned her Animality. It’s the only explanation that doesn’t involve the director of this movie twisting off a steaming pile on our chests.

Milobar: Now is it just me or does Agumibumiwumi seem to have problems speaking? When she speaks and her mouth moves, it looks awkward, like she’s not used to using her mouth for speaking. She’s used to using it for other things that require saliva, a camera, a couple of lighting dudes, a sound professional, and a heroin addiction.

Donkey: Or just a webcam, deep rooted angst aimed at her father, and a festering case of gonorrhea.

Milobar: And a heroin addiction. We soon see Christie talking to Max, her fellow thief and partner in crime and he’s explaining that he’s here to rob the place and that he made it through the first round by feigning an injury. Which means somebody else had to take his place in the fight, but you would think that they would have an even number of combatants, so that’s not really a way out of it altogether.

Donkey: No, you wouldn’t think that would automatically get you to the second round, you’d just have to fight somebody else. Even if you’re left with two dudes crying about hangnails, you’d think they’re going to have to fight each other eventually.

Milobar: Exactly. So technically, he didn’t make it to the second round unless someone was just really dumb and didn’t understand how numbers work. While this is going on, we see Zak, the black dude, hitting on Tina, the southern white woman. That sounds like a match made in heaven.

Donkey: Undoubtedly a recipe for success. But while that awkward tango is unfolding, things really heat up as Leon discovers that his next opponent will be Kasumi. Apparently he was just sitting by himself somewhere, flexing. 

I knew beating the shit out of my girlfriends for all these years would have a practical use.

Just hanging out in a room later dubbed "The Simmering Douche Memorial Suite".

Milobar: And Kasumi was staring longingly at her reflection in the mirror when she was then suddenly attacked by her bodyguard.

Donkey: After a brief altercation that only serves to warn Kasumi that Ayane was there hunting for her, they’re interrupted as Leon smashes his way into the room to start the fight. To show his strength, Leon grabs a piece of IKEA furniture that Kasumi throws at him and rips it apart.

Milobar: And then stands there while she full on kicks him in the face.

Donkey: That might be impressive if you’ve never touched IKEA furniture before, but I’m pretty sure that a limbless torso wrapped in cellophane could tear it apart.

Milobar: I’m fairly certain IKEA furniture pulls itself apart in a drunken rage.

Donkey: If you really want to absolutely decimate an IKEA end table, just try putting a drink on it.

Milobar: Or just looking at it real hard.

Donkey: Even better is that Leon’s response right after letting Kasumi kick him in the face is to flex his biceps, which literally makes the sound of guns cocking. Holy shit. And a bunch of steroid lads out there just came in their pants. That’s ridiculous.

Milobar: Eventually, Kasumigumi throws Leon out a window into the hot tub where our friend DJ Jazzypants is still hitting on the wrestling woman and we almost get to see some black man jimmy, some side dick if you will. Maybe this is a Uwe Boll movie after all. After all the excitement we get to see our next match up, it’s a father daughter grudge match! Sound like the basis for a lot of pornos.

Donkey: After finding out that he’s to fight his daughter, Bass breaks the door down to Tina’s room, prepared for a battle royale. What he isn’t prepared for is his daughter in bed with another woman (Christie is staying there after her room was just destroyed by Kasumi and Leon). And even though Tina’s explaining that they’re not having sex, this father seems far too happy to discover that his daughter is in bed with another woman. That’s a little goddamn creepy.

Milobar: He shares some traits with some people we know, who should never have female children because I’m scared of what they might do. Those names shall remain unsaid.

Donkey: Tina berates her father for interrupting her sleep and they agree to meet the next day for their fight. That’s pretty fucking random as it shows how bizarrely cordial this whole tournament is, but the movie doesn’t rest on its laurels with that. The movie then interjects with a quick scene involving Max, Christie’s thief partner, finding out that he’s been matched up with Bayman, the military fighter who kicks down his door. In a matter of twenty seconds, Max accidentally kicks a shoe at him and ends up knocking Bayman out by tipping over a statue onto him. Good god. At this rate Mr. Bean could be a finalist in this goddamn tournament.

Milobar: Why do shitty action movies always have to include shitty slapstick comedy?

Donkey: This movie feels like it was written using a message board on the DOA website, where everyone got to post their idea for a scene and they just mashed it together from there.

Milobar: Nah, unless they completely ignored my suggestion to have everyone fight each other on the backs of Harrier jets while flying if front of a Time Tunnel inspired hypnotic back drop. Finally, daddy and daughter get to fight, so obviously we need some hillbilly music.

Donkey: How appropriate. Tina declares to her father that it’s her rules for their fight and therefore whoever falls off their raft first is going to lose. COME ON! This is just getting to be too much. I didn’t think you could make up your own rules in a martial arts tournament like this, otherwise couldn’t the combatants just decide to settle the match with a goddamn rousing game of…

Milobar: Checkers?

Donkey: … or thumb wrestling? Why not whip out a deck of cards and play War, for fuck’s sake?

No, the water isn't that cold. That's just the result of many, many steroids.

No, the water isn't that cold. My tiny balls are just the result of many, many steroids.

Milobar: And she wins by knocking her father into the water.

Donkey: Afterward he stands there in the water, giving her the thumbs up as she celebrates her victory. Seriously, this has got to be the most cheerful fighting tournament that I’ve ever seen. There’s more tension at a preschool kickball game.

Milobar: Everybody is so happy to be fighting to each other.

Donkey: Normally a tournament like this requires them to fight each other to the death, not until one of them has closed their eyes for two seconds or got their hair wet.

Milobar: Maybe in this tournament they are only supposed to fight until their opponent is just really happy and laughing and giggling.

Donkey: But now we come to recreation time and all the girls get together to play some beach volleyball.

Milobar: In their bikinis, of course.

Donkey: A pointless nod to the DOA beach volleyball games.

Milobar: Yet another excuse to watch realistic titty bouncing action. Ok what the fuck? Who let the black guy have a microphone?

Who's ready for some Celine Dion?

Who's ready for some Celine Dion?

Donkey: Did someone force Zak to be the party’s DJ just because he’s black?

Milobar: Look on the bright side; at least they didn’t name him DJ.

Donkey: They play volleyball with a volleyball that has DOA written all over it, and a net with DOA written all over it. That’s a lot of money that someone put into product placement here, which seems kind of unnecessary. You’re advertising to people who are already there and participating in the tournament.

Milobar: Apparently they really wanted to do some merchandizing off of this movie. I guess we better order up a pair of DOA jumpsuits for the next shitty movie night.

While everyone is distracted by the lame ass volleyball game, Hayabusa decides to find out what is really going down on this island. So we get to see Hayabusa sneaking into the secret laboratory which is probably the most violent part of the whole movie. It’s the only part where you see somebody actually beating the crap out of other people and them not getting up and giggling, and I believe the first guard even gets his neck broken. This scene has really taken on a different tone than the rest of the movie. Scratch that last comment because apparently it’s time for some breakdance fighting.

Donkey: It is very odd to see legitimate brutality in an otherwise cock dumpster of a movie.

Milobar: What I think is awesome is that Hayabusa’s way of sneaking into the secret lab to gather information is to fight his way in. He fights his way into a secret laboratory that has cameras everywhere, leaving a bunch of guards lying around. Given they’re unconscious, but eventually they’re going to get up and then be able to identify who broke into the lab.

Donkey: Even if he didn’t leave them unconscious, he was, at best, leaving behind a pile of dead bodies.

Milobar: Where someone will find them and realize that somebody broke in.

Donkey: There’s definitely nothing subtle about walking very slowly into the front door of a place and killing everyone you see. Once Hayabusa is inevitably captured in the lab, the next point of interest comes when Zak and Tina were unsurprisingly paired off to fight one another. But seeing as they’re at a party and don’t want to spoil it for everyone, they again choose to hold off until the next day. Why would that ruin the party? Aren’t people there to either fight or see a fight? Or did I miss some part of the movie where they explain that they wanted to save money by having the tournament at the same time as they film a Corona commercial?

Milobar: Fine, we’ll fight tomorrow in “The Forbidden Square”, which is technically forbidden. Damn, I didn’t think this through very good.

Donkey: Apparently they should have chosen Permissible Plaza. Tina and Zak meet the next morning in Forbidden Square and are randomly surrounded by a group of spectators. Who are these people and why the hell are they there?

Milobar: A bunch of people who apparently weren’t forbidden to be there. I’m guessing they were waiting for the black guy to start rapping again.

Donkey: Perhaps they were his back up dancers. During the fight, Tina pulls what is most likely one of her super moves from the game and it makes the sound of a gun being fired. That is awesome. Just keep pouring on those ridiculous sound effects. Zak then kicks her through a stone railing. Through it. And she gets right back up and continues fighting.

Milobar: Tina then puts him through the same stone railing and apparently knocks him the fuck out. But does that really surprise you from a dude wearing flaming pants?

Donkey: Seriously, how hard do you have to kick someone to put them through a stone railing?

Milobar: Next is the Helena and Christie showdown. I like how these are the only two women in the entire tournament who decide to fight in bikinis.

I've seen more challenging puzzles on the back of a Shreddies box.

I've seen more challenging puzzles on the back of a Shreddies box.

Donkey: In the rain, at that. As they’re fighting Christie notices that on the back of Helena’s neck there is a tattoo, and she manages to memorize it well enough to draw it on paper later so that she can figure out that it is the secret code for her father’s old safe, where Donovan is currently keeping his fortune. That’s pretty remarkable. If I was in a fighting tournament, I don’t know if I would be that observant of such a minor detail. I’d probably be concentrating too hard on not having my sphincter kicked up into my goddamn throat.

Milobar: What’s bizarre is that Christie beats the crap out of Helena and then leaves her passed out on the ground in the rain. Christie could have just looked at the back of her neck at that point.

Donkey: That was pretty idiotic, but then that matches a pretty goddamn stupid tattoo. It’s incredibly obvious as to what it is. It’s just a bunch of numbers close enough to be touching. They don’t even overlap enough to obscure what they are.

Milobar: I don’t understand why you would need to tattoo the code of a safe onto the back of your daughter’s neck. There’s no better place to write that down? You can’t just memorize it? Next we get to see the three titty twins breaking in to Eric Roberts’ office to look for Hayabusa. Christie, Tina, and Agumi-Ayumi-Abumi-whatever-her-name-is, then find Eric Roberts’ secret laboratory where he’s been downloading everyone’s fighting techniques and information. The movie will soon reveal what he wanted all that information for, and it will be glorious.

Donkey: It seems a little strange that they found the ultra secret laboratory just by wandering into his office. They didn’t have to sneak past anything or anyone. If I had a secret lab in my office, I might just lock the fucking door. Close it, at least.

Milobar: Or maybe just not have an entrance to the secret laboratory in my office. Because do you really want all your staff going through your office to get to the secret laboratory? Meanwhile, Helena is apparently very upset about losing the tournament and the creepy lab technician tries to cheer her up by telling her a secret… “I’ve never had sex.”

Donkey: Weatherby chooses that incredibly convenient moment to reveal incredibly important information: “Eric Roberts was arguing with your father and then your father mysteriously disappeared that night. I don’t see how that could be related, but I just thought I’d pass that bit of random trivia on. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to jerking off into a sock while looking at pictures of Dame Edna playing Q-Bert.” Seriously? That didn’t strike him as important, or something that Helena might want to know before this exact moment?

Milobar: Now here we go. The ladies have been chained up. They are in holding cells about to find out what Eric Roberts has been up to. And it’s nothing but good news. He’s about to reveal the ultimate weapon: the word of Jesus Christ, their lord and savior.

Donkey: If I’m not mistaken, he’s about to introduce them to Jesus Christ while they’re locked in tanning booths. You better have a sweet base tan when you meet the messiah, bitches.

Milobar: But no! It’s a pair of sunglasses! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he introduces them to “the future”: a pair of sunglasses.

More powerful than a thousand exploding suns. More deadly than a viper riding a tiger. More chic than a Prada handbag.

More powerful than a thousand exploding suns. More deadly than a viper riding a tiger. More chic than a Prada handbag.

Donkey: Those sunglasses will allow him to become the greatest fighter the world has ever seen.

Milobar: Because those sunglasses are going to allow him to use the downloaded fighting powers of every fighter in DOA. Donovan begins to download everyone’s martial arts abilities and alarms start going off throughout the entire complex. That doesn’t seem like the best set up.

Donkey: Why the fuck would you automate a process where the moment you go to use your top secret technology, a series of loud and obnoxious alarms go off all over the island? Someone please name one reasonable purpose for that, or at least point out how it isn’t just another example of the movie pissing in my mouth.

Milobar: Now that Eric Roberts has downloaded their abilities, he somehow has not only all of their knowledge and martial arts skills, but all of their speed and agility as well, which is why he truly is the best of the best. Someone should make a movie about Eric Roberts’ life. I think it would be awesome.

Donkey: That would be the greatest story that nobody ever wanted to be told. I’m not really sure how these sunglasses could possibly work, though. They show Donovan their prediction of all of his opponent’s moves, since they already have a complete set of data from following that fighter’s history. It also points out potential weak spots at any given moment. That’s all well and good, but how the fuck do they freeze time to allow him to process this information and act on it before his opponent simply kicks him in the vagina? Donovan then trots out Hayate to show off his technology to potential buyers.

Yes, we'll fight in a minute, just...hold on...no, no....wait...okay. Got it. Let's do this.

Yes, we'll fight in a minute, just...hold on...no, no....wait...okay. Got it. Let's do this.

Milobar: I love how Hayate is finished off by being kicked through a cement wall (which in and of itself would kill a human being). He flies outside, and is plummeting to his death when at the last moment he is rescued by Ayane, who just happens to be in the exact right place in the exact right moment. There’s no other reason for her to be there other than to catch him and save his life. She’s just there.

Donkey: We know he won’t be killed by this, anyways. I think we’ve established by now that damage from smashing through a brick wall is lesser than damage from being kicked in the face, as the latter has knocked out far more people than the former. If we follow that logic even further down this road, a lust-filled hip thrust should kill the entire cast of this film at once.

Milobar: Now it’s time for Max to break into the safe holding all of the island’s money. I hope Donovan’s got some sweet porno mags in there.

Donkey: That would be awesome, if Eric Roberts didn’t have a dime in there, just a stack of Swank magazines from the 70’s and a bottle of Lubriderm. But almost as awesome, Max broke into the safe by playing a shitty sliding tile game that serves as its combination lock. The tile game forms a picture that wouldn’t make sense any other way than the way he solved it. The tile game might as well have been a picture of a goddamn happy face or even of Eric Roberts.

Those characters translate to "Pointless Busywork".

Those characters translate to "Pointless Busywork".

Milobar: It might as well have been a sliding tile game that makes you form any image. If it’s a picture of someone’s face, a picture of a dog, or a picture of somebody’s house…there’s only one combination that makes sense. So you don’t have to guess at anything. It just takes a while to figure it out. Meanwhile the geeky scientist guy tries to stop Eric Roberts from uploading his design specs to what I can only suspect are international terrorists. With a few quick keystrokes we get to see “Transmission Terminated”. Open web address CIA.org? CIA alerted!

Donkey: I love the buyers that you see on the monitor. None of them look like either terrorists or fighters looking to improve their skills. It looks more like Bill Gates deciding he wants to buy his way into a UFC title belt. And something tells me that it’s not that easy to get an instant pipeline into the CIA, let alone then get their attention that quickly.

Milobar: Scientist: “Hey guys, there’s crime going on.” CIA: “We’re on the way! Look out! Eric Roberts is jogging towards you like an old man. Be careful!”

Donkey: So now that Eric Roberts has got his fantastic glasses of fighting awesomeness and the money out of his vault, he’s engaging a self-destruct sequence for his entire island. I’m not exactly a financial advisor, but that seems to me like it’s a net loss.

Milobar: The thing I find bizarre is that he just had a whole bunch of money in his safe on his island. He doesn’t have bank accounts anywhere?

Donkey: I just don’t understand how applicable he thinks fighting prowess is to the rest of life. This is a man who had a giant fortress on his own island and a ton of cash, and he appears to be trading that all in for the fighting abilities…of four people.

Milobar: And somehow either he or the corporation that he inherited from his business partner developed the technology to create nanobots that could go inside a human body and record all of the physical information about them. That seems like a technology that you could sell very legitimately on the open market and make a lot more money than you could possibly get illegitimately selling it on the black market. In fact, I’m sure if you went to the American military and just gave them a really good PowerPoint presentation suggesting that you might be able to develop that technology in the future, they’d probably give you a bunch of money just to work on it. So if you’ve already got it ready to go, you could probably get even more.

Donkey: But once again, it’s obviously a better idea to trade all that away to be able to fight like three chicks and one dude. There’s a lot of douchebags in bars out there who need to be taught a lesson.

Milobar: Isn’t that every man’s secret dream; to fight like three women at once? I don’t think Eric Roberts thought this plan through too well.

Donkey: All of our heroes have escaped from their holding cells and they’re trying to stop Donovan. And there’s thirty seconds left in the self-destruct countdown. Unless the self-destruct consists of an explosion of potato salad, I’d say they’re all pretty fucked.

Milobar: Let me tell you something about my plan for the future. My five year plan, if you will. My house is going to be built on a self-destruct system of potato salad.

Donkey: So after all that, after his downloading all of their fighting skills which allows them to severely beat them without reprieve, they manage to defeat him by punching him in the bottom of the goddamn foot while he’s running away?

Milobar: You ever been punched in the bottom of the foot? That shit hurts.

Donkey: And then Kasumi stabs him the back of the neck with one of her little darts and paralyzes him.

Milobar: Keep in mind that he has lost his sunglasses at this point…his super ninja sunglasses.

Donkey: And then they’re all diving away from the explosion as the island self-destructs, even though it is clearly about five minutes later and the countdown was last seen to be at thirty seconds. Even worse, they all jump down what appears to be about fifty stories into the ocean, and of course, they’re all perfectly fine.

And yet not one of them notices that there's about fifty feet of sand beneath them.

And yet not one of them notices that there's about fifty feet of sand between the building and the ocean beneath them.

Milobar: Everybody lives, everybody’s happy. And then the same pirates from the beginning of the movie, Liu Kang’s pirates, show up at the DOA island. Why would they be in this area? How did they get there?

Donkey: Our heroes steal the pirates’ boat and sail off into the sunset. That’s it?!

Milobar: Not quite. We need a quick recap of the movie.

Donkey: Yes, the movie then decides that what we need now is a random montage of the events of the movie we just fucking saw.

Milobar: No, only the events of the female characters of the movie. It’s mostly titty and panty shots, with some kicks and punches thrown in for good measure.

Donkey: But wait, just when you think it can’t be any fucking dumber, the movie’s not quite finished. There’s one last scene which consists of the five women back at Kasumi’s temple, about to face off against the entire clan of ninjas. But in the face of this horde that should by all rights kill them easily and mercilessly, the women strike a random pose. End of movie.

Milobar: That was truly beautiful, but nothing beats the pose at the end of Street Fighter: The Movie.

Wait, why are we here to kill your entire clan? Aw, fuck it.

Wait, why are we here to kill your entire clan? Aw, fuck it.

Donkey: At least they followed the guidelines established by Street Fighter: The Movie as the plot made no sense, it missed a large component of the entire point of the videogame, and ended with a completely random and unnecessary pose.

Milobar: Yes, it’s almost as if they wanted to suggest that they might make a sequel. They might make a DOA II. Although keeping in line with the naming convention for this movie it would probably be something more like: DOA: Dead or Alive: II: 2: Two.

Donkey: I don’t know how you’d follow up a movie about Eric Roberts stealing fighters’ abilities to put into a goddamn pair of sunglasses. Maybe Tony Danza designing sport sandals that paralyze his opponents with rainbows?

Milobar: It is a difficult act to follow. Perhaps if your main character was blind and his walking stick secretly had a sword hidden inside of it, which he uses quite liberally to cut opponents in half at the waist.  Someone get Rutger Hauer on the phone!

Donkey: If they try, I hope they come up with something that has a longer running time than this movie: eighty one minutes. With few exceptions, if you’re movie can’t break the ninety minute barrier, it’s probably going to be shit. You’ve got a TV movie at that point, so you probably just shouldn’t bother. Unless it’s a touching drama about teenage drinking starring Kirk Cameron, presuming that he’s willing to take five minutes away from blowing his bizarre traveling buddy and putting out the DUMBEST fucking arguments for religion known to humanity (seriously, look up their banana argument…it will punch your brain right in the face and wipe its ass with your necktie). Then you’ll have yourself a hit.

The Verdict:

Milobar: I don’t understand why videogame movies always have to be so goddamn goofy. Every character acts like they are twelve years old. Every concept in the plot feels like it was conceived at 4 AM, after a hard night of drinking. And every action scene is so over-sensationalized I feel like I am watching an episode of TMZ. Once again, another movie that leaves me with nothing but well earned complaints, unanswerable questions, and a half mast stiffy.  I give it 9 shoes to the face out of 11 shoes to the groin.

Donkey: Yet another hilarious failure in the attempt to bring videogames to the big screen. But at least they followed rule number one in the book of American cinema: if your script looks like it could earn just as much respect being performed by sock puppets, you need Eric Roberts. That man is the balls. I give this movie four bouncing breasts out of five gamers who will never know the touch of a woman.

What We Learned:

Donkey: Some people are willing to sell their soul to get a Ray-Bans endorsement. Had I known that Eric Roberts was that hungry, I would have sent him some cash. Or at the very least, a hug and a coupon for a free Happy Meal.

Milobar: Apparently the average screenwriter has no idea how martial arts actually work, or how much it hurts to get punched in the fucking face. I’m going to make it my personal mission in life to rectify the latter.

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