Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins

Yes, here comes Remo! About to plummet to his death! A great sign of things to come.

Yes, here comes Remo! About to plummet to his death! A great sign of things to come.

Donkey: We found ourselves at a crossroads. We had supped on the sweet nectar of unabashed awesomeness that had been ladled out by Van Damme and the Chinese God of Thunder, only to find ourselves teetering on the brink of a bleak void where naught existed but freakishly jovial amphibians that refuse to use their weapons to actually hurt people. None of us wanted to ever have to face that again. For those who have never experienced something similar, such as a nine hour lawn bowling retrospective at your local senior’s home, let us assure you; boredom that deep causes you to question everything you ever knew. If we were to stumble into another colossal failure of that magnitude, it was just as likely that we would disperse to opposite corners of the Earth, begin new lives as castrated monks, and never speak anything of our cinematic adventures again.

But still, there was hope. The words of Bonnie Tyler came back to us then, as truly we needed a hero. But not just any hero…only the shittiest hero in the land would do. To find that, we decided to root far enough down into the obscurity bin to meander through vague childhood memories and arrive squarely in the 1980’s. And what a glorious champion we found…

The Plot:

Donkey: Remo is his name, and a staggering lack of action or any basic redeemable qualities is his game. Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is a cinematic delight about a former marine working as an NYPD cop. I can’t remember his real name, but it’s not really important since it’s only mentioned once before it’s discarded, so for the sake of simplicity we’ll just call him Captain Sugartits McHappypants. Captain Sugartits is recruited to become the deadliest of assassins, one of the greatest weapons the United States has ever seen, capable of performing feats that boggle the mind and rattle the colon. After being set up one night while on patrol to get his ass beaten and thrown into the East River, he is given a new face, a new name, and an ultimatum to join a secret government organization or be killed. And so, Captain Sugartits McHappypants officially leaves the Earth and Remo Williams is born. Of course, it would seem kind of pointless to take the time to set him up, give him radical reconstructive surgery, and give him the choice to join your team just to have him refuse and have to kill him…but as always is the case with shitty movies, logical thinking is greeted with an axe kick to the babymaker.

Milobar: Does anyone else find it odd that nobody ASKED him if he would like to join their organization BEFORE they faked his death? “Look, we know you have a pretty glamorous life here as a beat cop, eating donuts and driving around the warehouse district, but we thought you might be interested in being trained to be the most lethal human weapon that has ever existed, with Carte Blanche to steal, maim, or kill as long as it appears to be in the best interests of the United States. What? No, no mustaches, sorry. Wait! Come back!”

Donkey: Once he agrees to his new life, Remo is paired up with Chiun, a diminutive Korean master of Jit-Kun-Shithead (also known as Shinanju), a style of martial arts styles that allows its masters to dodge bullets, stop a man’s heart with the mere point of a finger, and move with all the grace of a sex-crazed yak trying to make its way through a hedge maze while having an epileptic seizure. Together they live and train in an industrial loft, trading punches and cookie recipes in hilarious Odd Couple-style antics that are in no way clichéd and tired.

As it is becoming clear that Remo is beginning to master the feats presented to him in an insanely fast timeframe, he is finally assigned to the case of investigating a defense contractor named Grove. Grove is being hounded with questions about faulty weapons and cost overruns on his current contract for a satellite weapon by the unfortunately named Major Rayner Fleming, played by Kate Mulgrew (or as most of the world will recognize her henceforth, Captain Janeway from the Star Trek: Voyager series). Investigators and witnesses against Grove apparently have a history of disappearing, but apparently nobody told Janeway that. Once Remo pokes around a little and makes incidental contact with Janeway, he is somehow identified by Grove as a government operative, even though he does nothing to connect himself to the government of military at all. Grove sends men to dispatch the problem, but those men were not prepared for the lethal non-fighting moves of Remo Williams. Seriously, even if you put any supposed martial prowess aside, and just considered that smoldering looks could kill…Remo would still manage to hurt you less than a mildly infected splinter. This guy is just utterly useless.

Remo then retaliates by breaking into a compound that houses the satellite which Grove is supposed to be developing for the army. After being consistently outsmarted and outmaneuvered by three dogs that are far more impressive than he is, Remo discovers that the satellite is a fake. It was never meant to work, just to bilk the military out of precious cash. But before he can prove it, the satellite self-destructs. With too little evidence to convict, Remo is left with no other option but to infiltrate the military base where Grove is located and kill him with what can only be described as a series of misadventures and whacky hi-jinx.

Having finally completed their mission, the great Remo Williams and Master Chiun ride off in a boat, prepared to face the most dastardly criminals imaginable in a new series of daring missions. Twenty years later, they’re still waiting.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (and ends)… I can’t wait to get this shit started (and over with).

Donkey: The tragic tale of a man parting ways with his mustache. Although you’ve pointed out one of my favorite aspects of this entire film right off the top; the movie has “The Adventure Begins” right in the title, so you know that they intended this to be the first in an ongoing series of films, like a bold new American James Bond franchise. And yet, somehow fate had something different in mind. With Fred Ward in the lead, that’s shocking.

It becomes even more surprising when you see that the movie also features the immaculate Wilfred Brimley; may his oatmeal, herding of the elderly into alien pods, and bad attempts at a French Canadian accent live forever. He looks the exact same now as he did back in the 80s. I don’t know if that’s commendable or depressing. Has this man ever not been old?

Milobar: I GOT THE DIABEETUS!

What kind of sandwich does a badass eat? Peanut butter and banana. Think about that.

What kind of sandwich does a badass eat? Peanut butter and banana. Think about that.

Donkey: The movie starts with a scene where we see Fred Ward playing Captain Sugartits McHappypants, the mild mannered patrolman sitting in his squad car down at the docks, sucking back sweets through his mustache and ignoring his dispatcher. Apparently it’s just another day protecting the public from falling over the precipice of anarchy.

Milobar: Don’t let Wilfred see those Sugar Babies.

Donkey: That would turn into a battle that no one could survive. But in the meantime, Captain Sugartits has got other problems. As he’s busy earning his paycheck, two thugs chase a third man past his squad car and into an abandoned building.

Milobar: Great, 80’s punk ninjas. I love how every random thug always knows Tae Kwan Do.

Donkey: There’s nothing like 80’s punk ninjas, whom we are lead to believe are super bad ass even though they look like they’re about to break out into an impromptu Guys & Dolls performance at any moment. But while Sugartits is trying to arrest the two aggressors, he is struck down by the third man who had been playing the victim. Something about a board with a nail in it to the back of the head tells me this is a trap! But even 80’s punk ninjas should know that a man with a mustache that fine doesn’t go down that easily. Now it’s time to lay a beating down on everyone in sight.

A board with nails in it?! My one Achilles heel!

A board with nails in it?! My one Achilles' heel! Blarrrgghh!

Milobar: I think Fred Ward is going to rape these dudes. Those kicks look really hard. Armpit kicks, the deadliest attack of them all.

Donkey: And after getting roughed up and climbing back into his patrol car for a well earned nap, and a mysterious truck being driven by a mysterious black man smashes him into the East River, it cuts to Captain Sugartits McHappypants’ funeral. Our hero is dead. End of movie, with about a fifteen minute running time. Which would still make it a hell of a lot better than TMNT III, I might add.

Milobar: Don’t forget the eulogy where they state he made the ultimate sacrifice. Apparently taking a bath in the East River requires more bravery than I initially thought.

Literally and metaphorically, a shitty name for a shitty hero.

A shitty name for a shitty hero.

Donkey: In the next scene, Fred wakes up to a man named McCleary telling him that he’s been given a new, surgically altered face for the purposes of joining a secret organization. In the world of Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins, surgically altering someone apparently consists of shaving his goddamn mustache off. That’s it. Seriously. He may have also had a slightly different nose, but if it was, then the fake one was close enough to his actual nose that you really can’t tell the difference.

Milobar: And a new name, which the organization that doesn’t exist apparently put a lot of thought into: Remo Williams, taken from the bottom of a bedpan, which I think is supposed to be funny.

Donkey: I guess the world should just thank sweet heavenly Jesus that the bedpan wasn’t by manufactured Shitbox Inc.

Milobar: I wish it were. Shitbox Jones: The Adventure Begins would be awesome.

Donkey: A pitch to Hollywood executives to have that made would probably have more legs than a sequel to this. Remo then leaves the hospital, steals an ambulance and only gets about two blocks away before McCleary pops out of the back with a gun, forcing him to go where he’s told.

Mean kid, bad suit, hurts people.

Mean kid, bad suit, hurts people.

Milobar: Apparently they also surgically altered Remo to be about 6 inches taller, because is this scene he is wearing a suit that is about 3 sizes too small. And how the hell did McCleary know Remo was going to steal THAT ambulance? How embarrassing would it be if he hid in the back of the wrong ambulance? “Ha ha, I’ve got you now Remo…wait, what? Cancer patient? Ah FUCK!”

Donkey: Remo is taken to meet with his new boss and the third man in this secret organization, Smith (Wilfred “eat-your-goddamn-oatmeal” Brimley). After a brief introduction and an overview of the organization, Remo tries to refuse their recruitment offer, and attempts to get up and storm out of the meeting. But he’s foiled by a locked door. A locked fucking door. Now I understand that we’ve all had that horrifying moment of sheer, stumbling panic when you can’t quite figure out if it’s a deadbolt or a switch in the doorknob that’s keeping you from making a hasty escape and putting as much distance as possible between you and the toilet that you just clogged at that fancy dinner party, but seriously. If that thwarts him, then how the fuck is he the best man for the job of government assassin? He’s a secret agent that quite literally can’t go where he’s not damn near openly invited. They should have put a bullet in the back of his head right then and there. There are plenty other cops with mustaches to choose from out there.

Milobar: After being thwarted by one of the most complicated pieces of engineering the human species has ever developed, Remo’s boss then tries to impress him by claiming that the corporation’s computer could determine the temperature of Remo’s ass. I’m not quite so concerned with the HOW of that specific operation, but the WHY. At exactly what point in the design process for this system do you think they extracted the “must be able to remotely determine temperature of asses” requirement?

His mouth might be saying recruitment, but his constant jerking off of that pen is screaming pixelated Commodore 64 horse porn.

His mouth might be saying recruitment, but his constant jerking off of that pen is screaming pixelated Commodore 64 horse porn.

Donkey: Why not? I can imagine that showing up on the list right after a “desk drawer that perpetually smells like dirty panties” requirement. And only the shittiest of movies could think that a secret organization that consists of three men could actually accomplish anything.

Milobar: Technically it’s four men, considering McCleary, the mysterious black guy (whom I will refer to as Mysterigro from now on) drives Remo to the lair of a dangerous criminal and is told that this man is the first target of Remo’s new assassination career. After failing miserably, it turns out that he is actually a martial arts specialist that can dodge bullets and will teach Remo all of his necessary survival skills.

Donkey: Apparently this movie is saying that Asians don’t count as people. In this scene where Remo tries exceptionally poorly to carry out the fake hit on Master Chiun, we are treated to the first display of his ultimate bullet dodging technique: Master Chiun simply moves out of the way. This movie’s idea of bullet dodging might be one of the laziest things seen in any action movie. They didn’t even slow the film down to make it look like Chiun was moving particularly quickly. It’s like watching your Asian grandfather flopping around like a teenaged virgin on the hooker that his dad got him to celebrate becoming a man.

Neo was a pussy. This is how it's done.

Neo was a pussy. This is how it's done.

Milobar: Although this is about how well I would expect someone from lower Manhattan to fight.

Donkey: After that introduction is complete and Remo is told that he will be staying with Master Chiun and training under him, we cut back to a scene where we see Smith watching a ridiculously detailed report on a man named Grove, their next target. Once again, as is so frequently the case in movies, we see an example that leads me to believe that no one understands how computers actually work. Smith is watching a presentation with all kinds of graphics and voice-overs, giving him highly detailed information. The problem is that someone would have had to program or create that, and who the fuck would have taken the time, especially back then when something like this would have taken about six months for the average person to accomplish? This is way before PowerPoint, people. And again, it’s a secret three man operation, so who the hell did this for them anyways?

Milobar: Well if they don’t consider Asians to be people, they could have eight or nine hundred thousand Chinese children in a sweat shop somewhere making computer graphics.

Donkey: A valid point. At least then the movie would be consistent. Cut to the first day of training. The first exercise is Master Chiun standing on Remo’s chest while he breathes. Considering Chiun must weigh about forty five pounds, this might be the lamest training exercise possible. What’s next, the dreaded Iron Lotus Napping technique, or the Crazy Monkey Light Snack routine?

Milobar: And then they start running along the edges of rooftops while Chiun tells him to “ignore fear, fear cannot kill you.” And he’s right; fear can’t kill you, unless this is a Nightmare on Elm Street movie. But fear can keep you away from things that could kill you, LIKE RUNNING ALONG THE EDGES OF FUCKING ROOFTOPS.

Donkey: Enter Janeway. We get to see her stroll into the film as the plucky military officer who is asking tough questions about cost overruns on Grove’s military contract, and then witnessing a weapons malfunction with equipment provided by Grove. Her presence takes me right back to her recent stint on Star Trek: Voyager and makes me weary that this movie may end up wandering through the cosmos for years, accomplishing very little to nothing.

The movie promptly gets back to Remo training with Chiun in their loft, and we see him go through a balance training course that requires him to leap across tiny platforms at the end of a series of vertical pipes that would take years to get through properly. He manages to get through in one has to assume, what, days? Hours?

Milobar: But he has his finger training board, an oddly shaped piece of wood that he’s supposed to hit with his fingers, so obviously he is developing some serious skills. Cut to Remo hanging off the bottom of a Ferris wheel carriage and no one at the carnival seems to have a problem with this.

Surprisingly, hanging like a useless jackass becomes a valuable skill later in the film.

Surprisingly, hanging like a useless jackass becomes a valuable skill later in the film.

Donkey: Apparently a carnie will let you get away with a lot of shit if you just slip him a five dollar bill.

Milobar: Or a cheese sandwich. Or a hand job. Or a bar of soap.

Donkey: Nah, soap’s a carnie’s kryptonite. Like most real mean, all carnies know that you just need some Axe Body Spray to turn layers of filth into the sweet musk of champions. And once Remo manages to get to the top of the carriage that Chiun is riding in, he has to drop quickly as another carriage comes sliding directly at his head, giving him only a narrow space to duck under it. What kind of Ferris wheel has random fucking cars that sail along on rails close enough to almost hit other cars, just to come to abrupt and jarring stops at the end of said rails?

Milobar: A Remo Williams brand training Ferris wheel (patent pending).

Donkey: Once they get back to their loft, Chiun randomly decides to test Remo’s ability to dodge bullets by shooting at him from five feet away. What kind of trial by fire is that? Couldn’t we start a little easier? Why not throw some fucking spit balls at him first?

Milobar: Or maybe let him dodge a punch. So far all we’ve seen him do is climb on shit and ride on a Ferris wheel.

Donkey: Hey, don’t forget breathing. That’s gotta count for something. But we need to talk about the next training sequence, a beautiful scene of Remo running along the beach. It’s almost reminiscent of Chariots of Fire. Well, it would be if the dudes from Chariots of Fire had randomly dove head first into the side of a massive pile of sand (which is physically impossible), then popped out the top of that same sand pile a second later (which again, is not physically possible). All the while, Master Chiun is watching proudly, and I highly suspect masturbating as well. But how do you follow up the display of a random skill that may come in handy once in about a thousand years? How about BY RUNNING ON FUCKING AIR. As Chiun gazes on and chants his encouragement, Remo Williams begins to suddenly float off the ground as he jogs, for absolutely no particular reason.

Where did he go?! Oh yeah, right there. Well that accomplished nothing.

Where did he go?! Oh yeah, right there. Well that accomplished nothing.

Milobar: Which is obviously physically possible. Jesus did it and that’s good enough for me.

Donkey: What fucking training did he do to teach him to do this, though? Is he nailed to a cross every night?

Milobar: He’s nailed in the ass every night.

Donkey: Close enough then. And after witnessing all this, we learn that he’s accomplished all of this in a month. Fuck. One goddamn month?

Milobar: Apparently this movie was made before the concept of montages, because if you want to compress that much training into such a small time line the only viable option is to use a montage.

Donkey: That’s a shame as I was really hoping for one set to some typically snappy 80’s music, like Split Enz or Falco.

Milobar: Glass Tiger would be my preference, or White Lion.

What, this officer? It's just the power switch to an industrial lathe.

What, this officer? It's just the power switch to an industrial lathe.

Donkey: The next great laugh comes when we see Janeway trying to hail a cab after running into Remo Williams in an elevator. It’s clear that she’s being followed by one of Grove’s men, a spectacularly goofy looking henchman with a random diamond in one of his front teeth. Bling bling! He’s been following Janeway in his car and taking pictures with a secret camera. Sounds good enough, but you have to love the subtle, button-sized camera on the random goon’s jacket lapel that is connected to a massive handheld device required to take the pictures. Well done, boys. Subtle.

Milobar: We’re a fucking hour into this movie and NOTHING has happened yet. He’s STILL training. He has never thrown a punch or a kick. He just climbs things and dodges bullets. Fuck this movie.

Donkey: And they haven’t even shown that much training. They don’t even show Remo trying and gradually getting better at a specific set of tasks over a period of time. Instead they just show him randomly accomplishing things without seeing how the hell he would have possibly learned it, especially in the timeframe that he did.

Milobar: And making dinner. They made sure to make us watch him making dinner.

Donkey: And now we arrive at one of the most notable scenes in the movie as the diamond toothed henchmen hires three construction workers to work as goons, for what appeared to be thirty dollars. It might have been thirty grand, but that’s more likely to be a stack of singles. They try to toss Remo from the top of the scaffolding around the Statue of Liberty. I’d just like to point out that there’s no way that construction workers, who are barely committed to putting that much effort into hammering a couple of fucking nails into a piece of wood, would spend this much time and effort trying to kill a stranger.

Milobar: He starts at the top of the Statue of Liberty, jumps down to some scaffolding, runs from some dudes, gets into a “fight” which consists of him losing his balance and jumping onto a pipe which he then slides down, climbs down a few more levels of scaffolding until the dudes catch up with him again and then he jumps off the scaffolding…on to the top of the Statue of Liberty…wait, WHAT THE FUCK? What kind of Edge of Tomorrow, Guardian of Forever, time loop bullshit are we watching here?

America's greatest assassin cowers in the face of three tradesmen. And they thought this was cool enough to put it on the movie's cover. Fuck this movie.

Hang on, Remo. If I know tradesmen, just wait three more minutes and they'll be on their fourth hour-long coffee break of the day.

Donkey: This is to action what Milli Vanilli was to singing. I love that he then fools the goons chasing him into thinking that he’s fallen to his death by falling onto a platform and knocking a random sack down that lands in a heap. No one can tell the difference between a goddamn body and a formless fucking sack? It even made a fucking metallic sound when it finally impacted, for god’s sake.

But even though they all load into an elevator to head back to the herpes convention, those construction worker goons are not going to get away with that. Remo catches up to them and stops the elevator. After opening the top hatch and hitting them a couple of times, he then climbs down the side of the elevator to get to the bottom. Keep in mind that this is a metal cage elevator, so the goons are trying to hit his hands and knock him off as he goes. Remo then disappears underneath, much to the confusion of the goons who could fucking see where he went, and appears at the elevator door where he proceeds to enter and punch them out. Why not just go through the door in the first place? Remo caps it all off by wrapping a rope around one man’s neck, tying the other end of it to the wall of the elevator, and then throwing him out to plummet to what we can assume is going to be a grisly death or at least a very sore throat. But the next shot shows the man hanging by the ankle. How the fuck does a rope wrapped around a man’s neck make its way down to his ankle?

Remo then gets to the bottom of the Statue of Liberty and has to flee from more fiendish, middle-aged villains who are waiting there. He then runs over a pool of wet cement like the sweet Jesus, and a moment later the guy pursuing him falls into that same cement and sinks to his death. And even though the random workers there to witness this don’t know who’s in the right or wrong, apparently nobody thought to pull the guy out and save him.

Milobar: Hey, that man fucked up my sweet, sweet cement job. He deserves what he gets. Fuck him.

Donkey: When faced with the possibility of having to do a lot of paperwork after helping a stranger out of your pool of wet cement, I guess most people would sooner just smooth that particular spot over and go to lunch.

Milobar: You know I am honestly not surprised that I fell asleep the first time we watched this.

Donkey: Come on! We then witnessed a touching scene that failed miserably at looking dramatic, where Chiun tells Remo that he’d have to kill him if he was ordered to do so. Even though that doesn’t seem like it should be particularly surprising. That’s the kind of shit that reminds you that you have no idea what’s going on because after an hour, we’ve accomplished nothing so far. If that won’t stave off your slumber, I don’t know what will.

The next great scene is where Remo and McCleary are breaking into the compound that is housing the satellite being developed by Grove, having learned that Grove is onto their organization and forcing them to act. But after breaking in and going there separate ways, Remo runs into the bane of all lethally trained super agents: three dogs.

Milobar: This movie is like a fucked up dream where you are an action star but none of the shit people say to you makes any sense. You start out on the docks, shave your mustache, climb around on the statue of liberty, eat some rice, and then have a showdown in a warehouse with some Dobermans. Dobermans who can climb shit better than you can, even though that’s all you’ve been training to do for the last sixty minutes of the movie.

More intelligent than Remo? Check. Better grooming? Check.

More intelligent than Remo? Check. Better grooming? Check.

Donkey: This is really highlighted when two of the dogs both jump up and latch onto a set stairs, hanging onto them until their weight pulls them down far enough that they can climb up. These dogs are smarter than anyone else in the movie.

Milobar: I am guessing these dogs are embarrassed about being in this movie.

Donkey: Anyone would be after the rats-on-my-penis dance that Remo performs moments later, when he gets to a ledge that is out of the reach of the dogs and has a couple of rats crawl up his pants. Is this fucking Charlotte’s Web or something? Where did all these animals come from all of a sudden?

Milobar: I bet those dogs don’t even list Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins on their resume. I know I wouldn’t.

Donkey: So after all that, he breaks into this building to see the satellite that they are after, which is destroyed by a random laser the moment he walks up to it. A laser that looks like it’s right out of fucking Star Wars. Again, I love the 80’s where people didn’t seem to know what a laser was.

Wouldn't it make more sense to have the laser kill intruders?

Wouldn't it make more sense to have the laser kill intruders?

Milobar: I have a great idea for a movie: dogs walking on a tight rope! Oh wait, they’ve already done it in THIS MOVIE.

Donkey: Of course, because after the satellite blows up and he tries to flee, we see that he’s still getting chased by the world’s smartest dogs. Fuck, I like the dogs better than Remo. The world’s worst break in then concludes with Mysterigro getting shot in the back right before Remo escapes. And the world mourns.

Milobar: Although apparently Mysterigro survives, and is kept alive on a respirator that just happens to be in the basement of the factory, until he uses a scalpel to cut the line on his own oxygen mask.

Donkey: Touching. Like being touched on the prostate by a welding torch. Not to belabor the point, but to sum up what we’ve learned: the bad guy in this movie is selling the military a satellite defense system that doesn’t actually exist, has even built a prototype that doesn’t really work, and has put a self-destruct system on that prototype that is triggered if anyone gets too close. And that self-destruct system is a goddamn laser.

Milobar: A laser, about the size of a small stereo, so if they can build a laser like that why can’t they build a FUCKING SATELLITE THAT WORKS?

Donkey: Exactly. That’s more fucking impressive than a satellite. And how is someone selling something to the military that doesn’t work grounds to have the most secret organization in the US bust them? That’s the worst villain in the world that we could find?

Milobar: Fuck, isn’t that what the American economy is based on right now? Large companies selling poorly installed equipment and poorly executed services at inflated prices?

Donkey: Finally we get to the end of the movie, where Remo decides to go after Grove and assassinate him. He breaks into Mount Promise, a military testing facility where Grove is hiding, only to end up running into Janeway again. And right after their meeting, they are both lead on a tour by one of Grove’s men. Now this seems like a really good idea that is in no way suspiciously timed.

Milobar: In typical movie-bad-guy style they have apparently decided set up Remo and Janeway in a death trap that will kill them after five minutes.

Donkey: Trapping the heroes in a room that is slowly filling with gas? That’s never been done before.

Milobar: Five minutes…why wouldn’t you just shoot them? Or light them on fire? Or poison them? Or hit them on the head? Or feed them hot dogs? Or make them watch Fox News? Then they would just kill themselves! (ZING)

Donkey: And even better, they don’t even just sit back and wait for the two of them to die. The diamond-toothed henchman that was following Janeway earlier in the film walks into the chamber after a couple of minutes with a gas mask on while Remo is still squirming around, one can only assume for some sweet, poison-crazed sodomy. How could anything go wrong with that? Remo then beats him as mercilessly as he can, uses the diamond in the guy’s tooth to cut into the glass wall of the chamber, and punches him through the eye. He then leaps through the glass, which somehow shatters before he actually makes contact with it, in a daring escape.

Sure the diamond is causing surface scratches, but it's actually this guy's corrosive snot that shatters the glass.

Sure the diamond is causing surface scratches, but it's actually this guy's corrosive snot that shatters the glass.

Milobar: Science once again saves the day!

Donkey: Who saw that coming in a movie that has as much basis in science as it does in the land of fucking Narnia? We then cut to Remo and Janeway escaping into the woods, trying to figure out their next move.

How can you repay me, baby? Ever heard of a rusty trombone?

How can you repay me, baby? Ever heard of a rusty trombone?

Milobar: And now it’s time for some bow-chic-a-chic-bow.

Donkey: Naturally. If you have a male and a female lead in the same movie, it’s a fact that the woman is going to want to fuck that dude. Especially after only ten minutes of knowing each other, with almost no interaction or sexual chemistry between them to speak of. And especially when it’s Fred Ward.

Chiun then arrives on the scene using the magical “Ninja Teleport”, checking in to make sure Remo hasn’t died in a freak taco seasoning accident. And just when we think that Wilfred calling Chiun Remo’s “little slant-eyed buddy” in an earlier scene couldn’t possibly be topped on the offensive chart, we get Chiun telling Janeway that women should stay home and make babies, preferably males. All we need is for Mysterigro to come back to life somehow and have someone demand that he bale some cotton.

Our three heroes then steal a truck while two random hillbillies are trying to fix it (classic), only to discover that it has no brakes. Hey, maybe that’s what they were trying to fix when we stole this thing. Naturally, right at the moment they discover this, a random log is being dragged across the road in front of them and they are forced to swerve down a steep embankment. Remo and Janeway jump out in time, but Chiun stays in the truck, which is horribly mangled by the crash. They rush to the bottom only to discover that he has miraculously survived the crash, with no explanation as to why. And while Remo sets off to find Grove, the other two just hang out next to the wreckage. No one realizes that someone might come looking to see what happened, or perhaps that the wreckage could possibly explode?

How do you NOT hit this douche?

How do you NOT hit this douche?

So on his way through the woods and back to the base, Remo is met by random explosions all over the ground. He ends up diving off a small cliff and landing on a fallen, conveniently placed tree. But just as he’s getting comfy, that tree starts to move and we discovered that it’s somehow on a fucking tow line that pulls it off the hillside and high into the air, slowly moving across a valley. What the fuck for? What is going on? Grove, who is in a jeep at the time, and one can only imagine is making a run to the closest 7-11 for some munchies, sees Remo hanging onto said log. He shoots at it for about six years using a rifle and then a canon mounted onto the back of the jeep, somehow managing to completely miss Remo as the log is very slowly getting away. Wouldn’t a canon like that shred the fucking tree?

Moments later, Grove will come to regret demanding random, poorly supported log piles be placed along the road...

Moments later, Grove will come to regret demanding random, poorly supported log piles be placed along the road...

Remo then manages to drop the log into a convenient stack of other logs set up by the side of the road below, which slide down and force the jeep off a cliff. First, why the fuck are those there? Seriously, what the fuck is going on here? And second, the following shot of the jeep sailing off the cliff is awesome as it shows a ton of smoke/dust pouring out of it. Not because it’s either on fire or filled with dirt mind you, but just because it’s obvious that they didn’t want to have to pay for stuntmen or dummies in that jeep.

Mission accomplished! But wait. As Remo drops from the log he was riding and very conveniently passes by the wreckage of the jeep, Grove then pops out from behind a nearby tree to shoot at our hero. Remo finally has a practical use for his bullet dodging abilities! Remo then responds by disarming him, knocking him out, then rubbing a fucking stick between his thumb and index finger to ignite it so that he can pitch it back over his shoulder onto a convenient trail of gas to blow Grove and his jeep back to hell. Where the fuck did that ability come from?

For his next trick, Remo will piss sulphuric acid.

For his next trick, Remo will piss sulphuric acid.

Milobar: TL;DR. Summary: Remo does a bunch of stupid shit; blows up bad guy.

We end with the army showing up just as Remo has reunited with Janeway on a dock, while Chiun is on the shore attempting to join them. To avoid the rush of soldiers, Chiun then runs along water to get to the boat. A boat that is literally about twenty feet away from two hundred soldiers.

Donkey: Who don’t see fit to shoot him at that point for what reason, exactly?

Milobar: Because these dudes are just too quirky and zany. I can’t even believe you are people. In fact, I disown you from the human species. Get out.

Donkey: Remo finds this feat of Chiun’s amazing enough that he laughs about it like a fucking lunatic, even though he did the same fucking thing with cement not long ago. Remo then asks Janeway, just as he and his Master have boarded their boat and are about to escape, “Can you believe we’re the good guys?” NO I CAN’T, ASSHOLE. I’d barely classify you guys above the level of nuisance spectators.

And then the movie ends. That’s it. That’s all. What a way to top it all off.

Milobar: The important thing is that the movie’s martial arts consultant was TAN, like Cher or Madonna but gayer.

Donkey: Clearly TAN has as much martial arts expertise as Wilfred Brimley. As a matter of fact, I think TAN may actually somehow be a codename for Wilfred.

Milobar: This movie only credits two songs, “Remo’s Theme” and “Janet”. Where can I get this soundtrack?

Donkey: That’s awesome. The entire list of credits to this movie may be the shortest I’ve ever seen. It seriously only takes three minutes to get through them. This leads me to believe that this was actually not a feature film, but a Fred Ward produced home movie that was meant to serve as a shitty Christmas card to his family.

Milobar: If only the movie was three minutes long.

The Verdict:

Donkey: How is this a goddamn action movie? The first hour of this ninety minute movie has less fighting in it than watching someone with a Tae Bo exercise tape, and that’s followed up by action sequences that are less impressive than what you’d find in a Naked Gun movie. The stench of failure is rife on this one, but that’s what makes it so hilarious. I give it four cop mustaches out of five.

Milobar: I love how nothing in this movie makes any logical sense. A top secret organization comprised of only three people. A bad guy who’s only crime is making shitty equipment for the government. Training for a month and developing the ability to run on air. Fucking acrobat dobermans. It really has all of the necessary components for a Shitty Movie Night movie. I give this one 38 Diabeetus out of 43 Diabeetus.

What We Learned:

Donkey: The next time you happen to find yourself at a misappropriation of funds hearing put on by your local City Council, take a good look around. There’s a good chance that Remo might just be there to put an end to that grave injustice with a set of non-lethal skills more confusing than a Strong Mathematical Induction problem.

Milobar: It’s a lot easier to stay awake for these things when I’ve had more than three hours of sleep the night before. A lot easier, but also a lot less enjoyable. I’m pretty sure if I just passed out for ninety minutes and had a wacky dream based around eating pizza and making out with Fred Ward it would be a lot more rewarding than this piece of crap.

 

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